I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
