an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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