how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
