I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
