Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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