It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
