so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
