So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
