Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Drunk is a universal language darling
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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