So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
