I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
