Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
