yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
