I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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