The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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