she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
