I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
