Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
