She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
