The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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