So drunk its hurt
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
