you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
