FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
