He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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