Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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