I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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