Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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