i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
