Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
They left me at home... I'm a liability
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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