I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
it's great music for shaving your balls
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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