Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
