In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We got so high we made milksteak
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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