Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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