I'll bet she douches with gravy.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
