Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
