my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
