I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
