I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
