It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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