is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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