I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
