I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
