Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I want to have your abortion
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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