her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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