Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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