Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
