Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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