My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
