On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Randomize
