Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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