my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
